This post’s for you, my fellow zombies.
You know what it’s like to feel drained, pained, and tired of it all. Your reasons may be different from mine, but you know what it’s like to go for days without a hunger for life, without an appetite for wonder, without feeling anything at all.
You may know what it’s like to be sleepless while exhausted to your bones.
Or you may know what it’s like working hard to get back up, only to be falling down in a slump again. Each day feels like an uphill battle and you’re stuck in a sinking hole you can’t seem to get out from.
That’s me, the last few weeks.
With the media saturated with the shocking news of Brussels attacks, horror at the beach at Ivory Coast, and Pakistan bombing, plus a whole load of tragedies happening before, during, and after, I got a little jaded.
I’ve been too tired to care lately.
I see people reaching out to the victims of these atrocities and I start to wonder why they even bother. I know in my head they’re doing the right thing, but in my heart, I felt dead.
I refused to grieve, refused to be touched by the pain and suffering of this world, refused to care, refused to speak up from my heart, and I stuffed it all in.
I was doing it out of self preservation. I have not been well, not sleeping well, and have not been feeling hungry for a while. I didn’t know what was going on with me, but I knew I didn’t want to feel more drained than I already am—physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
But when I chose not to feel and care, I was also choking the life out of me.
I became a zombie.
It’s no wonder I experienced days without hunger, nights without sleep, weeks without peace. I was like the walking dead, and that’s because I chose to be dead to my emotions. This inner suffocation was a main cause of me being and feeling unwell.
But I got my “hungry” back today and I’m so grateful and happy to share with you how I got unstuck and feel ALIVE again.
I tapped into my heart. When was the last time you checked-in with yours, and allowed you to listen-in?
2am this morning, I finally stopped struggling against my state of being and surrendered. I allowed myself to be still, and to see what’s going on with my heart.
A single word emerged: Disturbance.
Then I wrote about the disturbances that came to mind. The daily uncertainty and fear. The weekly explosions of violence, hate and despair. The monthly political crisis. The yearly disasters. Clearly, there is a major disturbance in the world. That’s nothing new.
What was renewed though, was a timeless wisdom:
The disturbances “out there”, is a mirror reflection of the disturbances “in here”.
There’s a war going on inside of me. As long as I refused to care, and secretly harboured thoughts of violence, hate, and anger towards the violent, hateful and angry, I was becoming just like them, and I was the one setting off massive explosions from within.
It’s no wonder rest-fullness has given way to rest-lessness.
The fire of anger, hatred and fear was engulfing my spirit’s fire of compassion, love and faith. We need to guard our fire, both the light and the dark. They both exist in us.
We can use this fire in our belly for destruction or for creation.
Guard your fire. Use it for Life.
Instead of being a weapon of war, may we be an instrument of peace. May the change we wish to see in our world, be seen in me and you. It begins with me. It begins with you.
It begins with us.
Acknowledging the war that is going on within, and coming to terms with the disturbances instead of stuffing it all away, will set you free. You’ll feel Life flowing in and out again. Feel your heart opening up again. And maybe for the first time in a long while, you’ll feel HUNGRY for life and come Alive again.
I read this today, and I got to share it ‘cos it’s so good and relevant to this post:
“I need to recognise that I’m in a river that is bigger than I am. The foundation and the flow of that river is love. Life is not about me; it is about… love.
When we don’t know love, when we don’t experience love, when we experience only the insecurity and fragility of the small self, we become restless.
We even become violent and hateful because the unconscious knows” this is not who I am,” and “this is not who we are.”
…We cannot live in a disconnected life with negative judgemental and violent thoughts in our hearts. We protest that we never do anything dangerous with these thoughts. But the trouble is that they do something with us.
They leave us separate, isolated, and therefore false to ourselves and eventually false to others.
But in contemplation, we move to a different space where we see the illusion of separateness.” – Richard Rohr, Everything Belongs, pg 79-80
What’s getting you stuck lately? Do you feel like a zombie? Unable to feel, unable to heal, unable to love? Are you ready to shift that and tap into your heart? Take action and let me know how that works out for you. Leave comments below – I’d love to hear back from you!
Lots of Zombie Love (not dead-love, but REAL-ALIVE-LOVE for my fellow zombies!),
Mish, Blogger at The Love Culture and Founder of rest & grow – a rest stop for the soul to renew, refuel, and recharge.
“The Growth of one blesses all. I am committed to grow in Love.” – Julia Cameron