Blaming myself for the million things that I should’ve, would’ve, could’ve done seemed the easier solution.
But I’ve been through this before and I know this won’t help…
…and it’s not the entire truth (if it can be called truth at all).
The truth is, I really, really, really loved Pebbles my Goldfish.
I took my time cleaning off her tank, filter and other things today.
The water may smell… but it’s the water Pebs swam in. A part of her is still in there… and draining it down the sink was like pouring the last remaining bit of her away.
I kept taking breaks in between… to just stare at the tank, imagining the way she comes up to play, or looks at me, or dives at the food, or goes to sleep, or stay up late. Or I just sit there and cry.
There was a moment, when the sight of yellow butterflies flying in and out of the forest caught my eye, even as tears streaming down my face was clouding my vision.
I went up to the couch by the window to get a closer look. There were so many of them out today. All of them were yellow… the colour of sunshine.
Earlier in the day, the song “you are the sunshine of my life,” was playing in my head as I was thinking of happy days with Pebs.
So I kept staring at the yellow butterflies, wondering if perhaps, they were here to send me a message?
And then, all of a sudden, I saw a single butterfly that was a striking blue…
The last time this happened, was pretty phenomenal. I was majorly depressed, and I had lost my reason to smile for a long time. I was looking up the sky as I was walking up the hill on the way home, angrily directing my thoughts Above.
“God! I feel all alone in this world now! I’m not even sure if You’re hearing this… I’m not even sure if You’re real! Or if there’s a God!”
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a bunch of white butterflies rose up from the bush beside me and surrounded me like a hurricane. I stood rooted on the ground, struck by the awesomeness of what just happened… and then noticed that one of the butterfly, was a striking blue! A smile broke across my face at the wonder of it all, which was the time the butterflies flew away and disappeared, as if their mission had been accomplished.
I knew that my question had just been answered. I am not alone in this world. He heard me. And He cares. And He is very real… I am assured.
As I continued gazing at the butterflies outside the window, a reassuring voice of comfort, came to me from within.
“Pebs didn’t die… like the butterfly, she merely changed forms. And now, she is flying free… in heaven.”
Later in the afternoon, I decided to console myself with “Brother Bear.” I had no idea what the story was about when I had bought the VCD. I was hunting for a happy movie last night, and saw this cartoon in the RM5 corner. A friend had liked it on facebook, so I assumed (something I’ve been consciously trying to do less and less these days) that it has to be meaningful…
…but true enough, from the start of the story, there were many lessons to be learnt. It begins by saying, “The world is full of magic…”
*Cue a beautiful animation of the Aurora Borealis / Northern Lights… Loved ones and friends would know just how crazy I am over the Revontuli, as the Finnish calls them in Lapland. So I couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw it swirling and dancing before me–as if to cheer me up!*
It goes on to say, “Ever changing lights, that dance across the skies… they have the power to change things. Small things becomes big, winter turns to spring, one thing always changes into another…”
I tend to look at this line, a little more philosophically, of course.
We are the ‘ever changing lights’ symbolised by the Aurora Borealis in the cartoon…
…and we have the power to change things.
Small, seemingly insignificant things, can grow and become big before our very eyes, when watered with Love…
Seasons of cold, loneliness and darkness symbolised by Winter can turn into the warmth of life and colours and light, like Spring time…
“…one thing, always changes into another.”
I understood this completely… When the earlier pair of Oranda goldfish, Ponyo and Pumpkin died… we kept hunting and hunting for the exact same pair. We never found one of course–there is no other like them! We thought that we’d never love another goldfish the way we loved them…
But we were wrong.
We ended up discovering three of the most amazing Ranchus, Patches, Peaches and Pebbles, a different breed of goldfish. They were as different from the earlier pair, as night is from day, and special in their own ways.
In the end, our hearts were filled with so much love for them, because they were every bit as lovable as the earlier two.
The idea all along, is not to be attached to the one… to how Love should appear to be, and to just let it flow, and go with the flow–just let Love be.
It’s funny and beautiful too, that the song that comes up after this significant scene in the cartoon, has a verse that goes, “Every corner we turn, leads to another… a journey ends, but another begins.”
My journey with Pebbles ends here, on 29th April 2012, the day she passed on unexpectedly.
I cannot imagine right now, how the next few days will be. All I know is that I keep turning around in my seat at the computer to look for her… but she’s not there. Everytime I come upstairs expecting to see her in her tank… she’s not there. After 1 year and 7 months with us… she’s not here anymore. She’s stuck around for so long… kept me company through all my ups and down. And she was the reason why I loved waking up in the morning, and coming home. I feel absolutely lost from this loss…
And then, as if knowing how lost I feel, the next scene in “Brother Bear” unfolds where NaNa, the grandmother is talking to her grandson Kenai.
“Some of us use Courage to guide us, others Patience. And then some of us Beauty… to be a man, your actions must be guided by one thing…”
She hands him a carved wood in the shape of a bear. “Your totem is LOVE.”
“What?!” Kenai is disappointed. He expected a Saber Tooth for Bravery…
“Yes, LOVE,” NaNa repeated herself.
“The bear of Love?” Kenai is very confused now, and very embarassed.
“LOVE… the one thing that connects all living things. LOVE is the most precious of totems. It reveals itself in unexpected ways. Let LOVE guide your actions… one day, you’ll be a man.”
Kenai shrugs her words off… and later ends up killing a bear.
As a lesson, Kenai is “transformed” into a bear, to help him understand what it’s like to walk in the shoes of another.
*Amazing how the idea of ‘transformation’ keeps flowing, from the butterfly, to the opening of the cartoon using the visual of the Aurora Borealis, and then now, in the form of a bear.*
“You’re going to get a new perspective,” Nana said wisely, aware that her grandson has transformed into a bear.
“…do you see the world in black and white, or in colours?” she asked, before disappearing and leaving the boy to go off on his own journey of self-discovery and growth, from a boy, to becoming the man that he is.
I miss Pebbles so much…
While she was here, it was white, it was light, it was perfect. Now, I just want to see the black… How can it be any other way, now that she’s not here? But here is NaNa, challenging me with a question…
“Do I see the world… in colours?”
I guess the yellow butterflies (+ one blue), appeared today for a reason… to help me see in colours. And rediscover this wisdom all over again:
Love Never Dies… It Merely Changes Form.
“Heaven is not Heaven without you, Pebbles.”
“Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours.”- Swedish Proverb
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