Have you ever considered this radical idea, that the worst betrayals you’ve ever experienced, are those which you are solely responsible for?
That instead of being ‘The Betrayed’, you’ve switched roles to ‘The Betrayer’?
It’s an unsettling thought, but it can be a powerful one if you’re ready for it to release you from the role of the victim, to grow into the victor. One way to do that is to face the darkness within you as your own ‘victimizer’.
What do I mean by this?
Let me begin by asking: Have you ever broken promises you’ve made to yourself? Chances are, you’d answer yes–I know I have, all the time.
So how does that make you feel about yourself? Speaking for me–not too great to be honest. I want to be a ‘man of my word’ kind of person.
I want others to be able to trust in me.
But first, I must be able to trust myself.
Can I love myself enough to honour my values and beliefs?
The first time I came to see myself as ‘The Betrayer’ is during my last Silent Retreat, 3 months ago. It’s beautiful how, when our minds and hearts are clear of distraction and our focus is on the One, everything else becomes clearer. Deep, hidden things you never knew about yourself starts to come up to the surface, sometimes in a dream in the night.
I woke up one morning feeling especially disturbed.
This recurring dream is a painful one that I loathe. Not only do I have to deal with having unwanted people in my dream, always, he’s unhappy.
This time, we are meeting at a cafe, and I was there to say my goodbye.
But in the distance, I could see that she was coming right up to our table. In all my previous dream, that would be my cue to leave. This time, it was different. I wanted to fight for what used to be rightfully mine–but wasn’t anymore. So this time, I held on to him, not with my hands, but with my leg, under the table, clinging on with such intensity, I was awakened.
Anger rocked through my body at the break of dawn.
The feelings of injustice, and the pain of having to relive a betrayal over and over again felt like a searing hot wound that’s been ripped open for the millionth time. What a nightmare.
But then, as I stayed in bed, wondering the reason WHY I’m having these dreams, the Light of Truth came shining through, quietly and gently…
…Pointing me to see from a different perspective, I saw for the first time, how in my time of pain and need for love, I was willing to be the shadow figure, doing things ‘under the table’ to regain what I’d already lost…
…The wrong way. The dishonest way.
I saw, to my shock, The Betrayer, in me.
That stank. I felt disgusted with myself.
Truth Hurts. But It Sets You Free!
Being able to see myself as no different from the ones I felt who have wronged me, and coming in touch with the ugliness that is also a part of me, was humbling to say the least.
It led me to the greater miracle of forgiveness: Letting Go.
Something happened that day. It was as if, my inner cries of betrayal was hushed to a peaceful calm within, after having seen myself in the mirror.
I never again, had those recurring nightmare.
In awakening to The Betrayer that is in me,
I am able to forgive The Betrayer in others.
I am able to see the pain and fear that led me down that path, and am once again reminded of the pain and fear that led them down that path.
I can choose not to betray myself for ‘love’ or break promises I make to myself. I can choose to align my actions with my values and beliefs.
Of course, I don’t always walk the talk–sometimes I’m not even trying!
But Self-Love means, accepting the fact that I’m human, being wise enough to learn from my own mistakes, and being grateful for another day of learning to Love and to Forgive–both myself and others.
The desire is already there within you, to be Honourable. It’s inbuilt into your conscience to be Trustworthy. The idea is to keep practicing what you say you believe in. It’ll be a challenging workout–but it gets easier. 😉
“Live High, Live Mighty, Live Righteously.” – Jason Mraz
“Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours.”- Swedish Proverb
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