There are some unpleasant experiences that keep repeating itself, despite the forgiveness and the benefit of faith. For me it means that there are still some lessons to be learnt, and until I learn it full well, I am allowed these experiences again and again.
I love how I’m growing more and more in awareness and understanding each time, with less and less fear and anger.
I learn fast, and see myself growing wiser, calmer and stronger for every time it happens. I love that I’m not bitter. You can’t really put yourself in that miserable state when the level of awareness is growing to the level that it is. I’m still human, I still feel sad, and shed a tear or two, but the bounce back is healthier and quicker.
I love the resilience I’m gaining. It’s all very new for me (and yet not really), to progress from a place of knowing to fully understanding that there’s no benefit in putting a label on a person or their choice of action, but more benefit in learning more about myself each time.
This time around, I am gaining the privilege of really knowing what Eleanor Roosevelt meant, when she said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
I love that I still get to wish the person giving me the Gift of Pain, nothing but growth and awareness in good time. I love that I get to accept that he is what he is and this is the reality and truth of his being, until he reaches his growth.
I love that there’s never a need to change someone. I love that I get to choose Love instead of Fear, and that the question “What Would Love Do Now?” has always led me the light way forward…
And I am grateful for this day, for the way it is unfolding, even though, it is not according to my plan. I believe in the Greater Plan, and so far, so good.
I wrote all of these thoughts down, in the midst of an ‘unpleasant experience’. I have lost count how many times this has happened. It happened while we started seeing each other. Why am I surprised that it’s happening even now, as friends? The truth is, friends don’t treat friends this way. The realization of that truth today feels sad for me.
After spending the day with another friend, by the time I got home in the evening, all the Brave that’s been propping me up, made way for the humanness in me. Tears started rolling down my cheeks, even as I was laughing and watching ‘How to lose a guy in 10 days’ with my sis.
But right after the show, I had a good cry…
I do feel like a silly cow (the image I have in my mind is of this super sweet and cute kind of silly cow I met in Scotland though. They’re known as Hairy Coos. Will share an image below so you can picture it… ).
I feel silly for having a heart that is open and loving, and allowing the same person to keep taking it for granted–or at least that’s how it feels.
I feel silly, but I don’t regret a thing.
I still stand by what I wrote in the morning. And I read a post today ‘Don’t apologize for loving someone – not ever’ that truly resonates with me.
“I’ve made it a rule in my personal life to never apologize for loving people, even if that love is never returned. To be unloving is the other person’s problem, not mine. As my grandmother use to tell me, “At the end of your life, the only things you’ll regret are 1) Not taking more risks and 2) Not being more loving toward others.” – jamesrusselllingerfelt.wordpress.com
Having said that, I love that immense self-love and compassion towards self is telling me that I get to stop now. I tried. I truly tried. I hear what my friend L said today, ‘It’s not about being silly. You just got to know when to give up.’ There comes a time when I need to know when to walk away. No girl or guy deserves to be treated this way. We deserve better.
I had so much respect for him, but FIRST, self-love means I must have more respect for me.
ANYWAYS. Here’s some pictures I took of Katrina the Hairy Coo, and I…
“Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours.”- Swedish Proverb
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