My eye is twitchy, but I AM HAPPY…

It started off a trade-off, but it ended up being a pro bono work. My mind tells me I’m silly, but my heart wants to do it. 3 days in though, I am feeling conflicted. It’s taking up time. Lots and lots of precious days and time.

I am blessed that I have an awesome friend who is just as giving, if not even more generous, in his heart and soul. I am so lucky, that despite my grumbling, he is able to remind me why we do what we do: “I think in the years to come, you’re gonna look back remembering this project, feeling glad that you did it for Krishna, supporting his passion. Its good for the soul and money may not be able to buy that…” – Adam.

Man. His words were like a booster shot! It was all I needed to keep going. He brought back the BIGGER MEANING into perspective. I thanked him, but he’s not done yet: “Ship has sailed! Bring it home Michelle!”

I did, 4 hours later.

And that feeling, that satisfaction when the job’s done was an explosion of JOY! All the more because what I attempted to do today, is something I loathe to do. It’s not my natural strength or interest, and writing it, is a big struggle. But in the end, it’s DONE. And I actually liked it! I felt like singing in the rain. And so I did! Out of tune. In tune. Making up words, making no sense! I was enjoying the moment, soaking up the sweetness of a labour of love, when, a self-negating voice began to rain on my parade.

“You think you’re worthy? To celebrate? All you did was ONE thing today. Others out there work on a million things a day!” I got guilt-tripped for a minute or two, until I recognised this voice as the work of Shame.

It has appeared in the form of countless individuals, throughout my growing years. When I tell someone of my pain, “You think you have it bad? Others have it worst!” Or when something goes wrong, and there’s literally an open wound, instead of looking at how to stop the bleeding, “What’s wrong with you!” If I got conned or deceived or hurt,  “Why are you attracting these people in your life?” Blame. Shame.

We live in a culture of blaming and shaming. It’s happening everyday. It’s happening all around us.

It’s happening WITHIN us, if we continue to allow these forms of reaction to be the norm.

The truth is, the persons perpetuating the blame and shame game, is deeply in need of love, themselves. They can only do unto others, what they do to themselves. Deep down, they need to know that there’s no shame in their struggle.

But change begins with YOU and I. It begins with Awareness. It begins with acknowledging that there’s no need to Compete and Compare. We each have our place in this world, to Complete and Complement.

Your JOY is important.

Your HAPPINESS is important.

Your PAIN is important.

Your HURT is important.

What’s more important are the stories you choose to tell yourself. If you hear yourself telling yourself a Shame, Blame, and Fear based story, over and over again, like a broken record, it’s time to pay attention to that… to let go, to heal, and to grow. And then, change that story into something you’d like to hear for a change.

So just as I was beating myself down for celebrating JUST ONE THING today, my Inner Best Friend bounced by my side: “You did one thing, and you did it well! I’m so happy for you! You saw that one thing to completion. If you did this once, you can do it again. And again.

And again! You did it!”

There and then, I gained an evidence marker that I can finish what I’ve started. It’s the confidence boost I needed, as I’m entering into ‘the war of my life’ in the days to come…

…Lord knows, right after gaining clear direction for my writing on Sunday, right after the initial euphoria shot up like the brightest sun in the morning and faded away by evening, fear began creeping in like fog in darkness, getting thicker by the minute, until all visibility is obscured. The path ahead is uncertain. I don’t know what lies ahead. All I know is the mission at hand, and a heartfelt compulsion to run with it.

And as of now, the twitching has stopped.

And as of now, I know why my writing has been delayed. It’s been put on pause so I can arrive at this very moment, TODAY: “My eye is twitchy, but I AM HAPPY!” 

And in the days to come, I’ll hear: “Ship has sailed! Bring it home Michelle!” 

Love is a funny thing

Whenever I give it, it comes back to me
And it’s wonderful to be
Giving with my whole heart
As my heart receives
Your love…” – Jason Mraz, Love Someone

Love,

Mish.

****

“Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours.”- Swedish Proverb

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Loving Yourself Through The “What Ifs”

If you’re stuck wondering “What If?” today, may this post bring you release and help you grow on in Love.

The night Sweetie left us and the following day, the whole time, I kept thinking,

What if I brought him home on Tuesday, would he still be alive today? What if I left him at the petstore, would he still be alive now?  

What if? What if? What if? It never ends.

These thoughts kept coming as surely as the tears have been flowing. But I’ve been through this before and I know doubting myself and allowing it all to spiral into a big self-hate party wouldn’t solve a thing. So in between doing the dishes and cleaning up baby’s tank and apparatus and wiping my tears, the thought that came to my mind is this:

Can you love yourself through the ‘What Ifs’?

How do we do that?

1. By shifting the main focus from the outcome, to the heart.

And these were the questions that were coming to me, during this time:

Q: What was your intention when you brought Sweetie home?
A: To help him get well

Q: Did you love him?
A: Yes I do

Q: How long did you want him to live?
A: …Forever

And then, silence.

The questions and answers reminded me of the most important thing: I wanted the best for him and did my best for him.  In the end, that’s all that matters. If I did something wrong, that wasn’t my intention at all.

And my heart knows it.

2. By actively practising Graciousness and Compassion.

When it comes to making mistakes, Awareness and Accountability is important. But most importantly, see a mistake for what it is–A Mistake.

Learn from it and grow on. 

As my favourite quote by Maya Angelou goes, “I did then what I knew how. When I know better, I do better, that is all.”

I also love what my friend once said to me when I was filled with remorse over a decision I had made: “You were navigating the best way you knew how.” I know it holds truth for us all.

Can we be gracious and show compassion–to ourselves and others–for being human? For feeling fear? For making bad choices because of fear? Can we learn from our mistakes and allow ourselves to grow on? The truth is, we can…

…Because Love is a choice.

3. Loving yourself through the “What Ifs” means learning Self-Love. 

For a start,  think about all that is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy about yourself–right now. 

Keep your thoughts to the present moment. Not of what you were in the past. Not of your “potential” in the future. But of you, as you’re reading this. Our mind is like a muscle. Over the years, we’ve trained it to be our own best self-critic. So it may come as a surprise to you, that thinking good things about yourself doesn’t come naturally. The hope is in the trying. As you keep training yourself in this area, it gets better and easier.

4. Have FAITH 

Tomorrow is another chance to try again. It’s not the end of the world yet, though it may feel that way. Have Faith that everything happens for a reason. Allow this Gift of Pain to serve a purpose. Learn from it and grow through it.

This post is dedicated to my love at first sight: Sweetie

ps: Sweetie is my first rescue fish. He’s already lost his ability to float or swim by the time I saw him again for the second time on Sunday. (You can read about it here if you missed the previous post: Love… While You Can, When You Can) But I’m not the first person moved to bring home a sick fish to try and nurse him / her back to health. I got to know about ‘goldfish rescues’ in 2010. Knowing how much work and time it consumes, I thought these people were a little bit crazy.

But with Sweetie, I finally understood why they would do this.

LOVE is why…

Love makes it all worth it. Always.

Love,

Mish

****

The Love Culture – A Loving Way Of Being

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