Love Is Allowing Yourself To Feel

Originally posted on 28.06.12:

“We must not numb our pain.

When in sorrow, sorrow.

When in anger, anger.

FEEL IT.

It’s the only way to go through it.” Paul said to me, as we were discussing the problem of alcoholism in Finland.

His main language is Finnish. So when he speaks in English, it’s very simple. But I get it. And I love it. It comes out sounding like a poem.

Paul is saying we must go through the process of whatever it is we’re feeling. So when we’re in sorrow, then allow ourselves to be in sorrow.

Having spent many years working in a rehab for alcoholics in Helsinki, he’s seen how desperately people try to numb their pain, instead of dealing with the root of that pain. In the end, the only thing they create is a bigger mess, ruining their own lives and the lives of their loved ones.

…I feel like I can relate to them.

For over a decade, I’ve tried to numb my pain through many ways.

It has led to many addictions that can be a whole blog post by itself.

The past one year and a half, I’ve been learning that there are better, healthier and more effective ways to deal with pain. Today, I’m just going to focus on one: Giving yourself permission to feel what you feel.

I’ve been having a hard time processing my feelings the last couple of days / weeks / months. Here I am, learning about love and sharing what I learn on The Love Culture. But I am highly aware, too, that these whole other spectrum of “dark” emotions are well and alive and brewing in me.

Anger

Grief

Disappointment

Resentment

Bitterness

Unforgiveness

Fear

They’re not there all the time. At least not on the surface. But when it’s triggered, the rawness of the pain and the way I crumble, surprises me.

Seeing the way that I am when I’m in pain–and being made aware that I’m not much different from the person causing me pain when I’m hurt–just left me feeling absolutely lost in my own darkness. 

And then someone comes my way today, to remind me of my goodness and help me see the Light, within and without. I feel loved, supported and cared for. And it’s bringing me release. Which got me wondering…

Could this be the reason why we hold on to our hurt?

Is it a cry to be loved?

I believe the answer is, Yes.

This question and answer have, in the past, allowed me to let go of the need for justice or to set things right–at least, not in the heat of the moment. Understanding that both the perpetrator of pain and the one in pain is both crying out for the same thing–to be loved–frees me to open up my hands to receive the Love that I need from God, others and myself, to heal, instead of keeping it clenched in a fist of fury, ready to retaliate.

But this time around, I’m feeling conflicted.

Here I am, talking about love and compassion on The Love Culture, but I wasn’t feeling very loving or compassionate at the moment towards the source of my pain. I felt disgusted instead. And I felt bad for feeling this.

Then a friend comes along and gives me this reassurance:

“Dont ever be afraid to feel “negative” feelings.

They are just signals, not the be-alls and end-alls.

In the great silence of which you understand, there is the unfolding of His greatness and love, which can NEVER be taken away by our feelings.” – TW

I felt grateful for this reminder.

His permission (yes, we don’t need ‘permission’ so to speak, but when we’re stuck and unable to move, it helps to have someone say “IT’S OKAY, GO AHEAD”) to feel without condemnation, allowed me to navigate my way through this, by trying to understand,

“What are my “negative” feelings signalling?”

That I need Healing.

That I need more Love.

Both of which I can choose to receive in prayer, even in this time of pain.

What is your pain telling you? What are your “negative” feelings signalling? May your permission to feel, and your courage to face your darkness, give you the Understanding to Love and Be Loved.

Love,

Mish

****

“Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours.”- Swedish Proverb

The Love Culture on FB: https://www.facebook.com/theloveculture

There Is No Loss In Love… Only Gain

It is said that Pain is the glue that connects us all.

Lately I’ve been feeling the pain of loss… and loosing sleep and appetite over it.

I know the importance of allowing ourselves to feel what we feel instead of numbing it… but today, it got a bit much. So happy hour started a little bit early while at work.

“You’re trying to numb the pain… You’re not supposed to numb your pain… Feel it… What are you learning from it?” says my inner voice.

I didn’t care much for learning today… I just wanted that feeling to go away… but by the end of the can, nothing’s changed.

The moment I stopped fighting it and acknowledged I’m plain miserable… the Lesson presented itself.

With every loss, there is a gain…

You gain a greater sense of appreciation for what you’ve had in the past and what you’ve got in the present…

Sometimes, it may seem too late…

But in truth, it’s never too late to feel gratitude.

Lately, the words of a friend from the past, “This is the most I can do for you…” and the words of a friend in the present, “I hope I can be a perennial herb to you…” are ringing in my heart and my head.

Who am I?

Why do people even think about what is the most they can do for me?

Have I ever thought about what is the most I can do for others?

To be honest, I can’t remember if I ever have…

It’s easy to say I’m selfish and it’s true I am…

…but I’ve also been learning about self-love and self-compassion. So I want to remind myself that sometimes the best things we do for others come so naturally and unselfconsciously that we’re unaware of it.

Maybe I’ve been that kind of friend for someone to deserve this kind of kindness… Or maybe it’s not that I’m deserving of it but that  I’ve been so blessed to have such a person in my life. Either way, unconditional love means that I am free to receive love without having to repay in kind…

At the end of the day, it’s not about me… It’s that the other person asked the question, “What is the most I can do for you?” and then acted on it.

What a beautiful way of being and living… By that person’s example, I can now choose to ask the same question and do the same for others…

As for my friend who wants to be my perennial herb… lol. That is one of the sweetest most craziest thing a person has ever said to me. I love it.

“Perennial means plants that live forever ever given the right conditions,” she said. “Yea. I’m familiar with perennial cos I had to research it for my client… They’re super hardy and resilient…” I said.

I’m blessed with good friends… some of which I’ve come to appreciate, too late. But they’ll always be in my heart, and as V once said, “that’s a very good place to stay.”

ps: So happy I got to watch BIG MIRACLE on Astro last night. It’s a movie about a whole community coming together to save 3 sperm whales. But on a deeper note, it shows that animals are great teachers of Love, too…

I think the timing of the movie couldn’t have been any more perfect. Just earlier, I shared a video on The Love Culture. It’s of this kitten and dolphin, showing us that love is everywhere, even in the deep blue sea.

Enjoy the vid. 😉

pps: Have you experienced loss lately? How did you deal with pain? Did you gain something from the experience? Let’s share and grow together. I’ll like to hear and learn from you. Drop comments below.

Love,

Mish.

****

“Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours.”- Swedish Proverb

The Love Culture on FB: https://www.facebook.com/theloveculture

Love Is Allowing Yourself To Feel

“We must not numb our pain.

When in sorrow, sorrow.

When in anger, anger.

FEEL IT.

It’s the only way to go through it.” Paul said to me, as we were discussing the problem of alcoholism in Finland.

His main language is Finnish. So when he speaks in English, it’s very simple. But I get it. And I love it. It comes out sounding like a poem.

Paul is saying we must go through the process of whatever it is we’re feeling. So when we’re in sorrow, then allow ourselves to be in sorrow.

Having spent many years working in a rehab for alcoholics in Helsinki, he’s seen how desperately people try to numb their pain, instead of dealing with the root of that pain. In the end, the only thing they create is a bigger mess, ruining their own lives and the lives of their loved ones.

…I feel like I can relate to them.

For over a decade, I’ve tried to numb my pain through many ways.

It has led to many addictions that can be a whole blog post by itself.

The past one year and a half, I’ve been learning that there are better, healthier and more effective ways to deal with pain. Today, I’m just going to focus on one: Giving yourself permission to feel what you feel.

I’ve been having a hard time processing my feelings the last couple of days / weeks / months. Here I am, learning about love and sharing what I learn on The Love Culture. But I am highly aware, too, that these whole other spectrum of “dark” emotions are well and alive and brewing in me.

Anger

Grief

Disappointment

Resentment

Bitterness

Unforgiveness

Fear

They’re not there all the time. At least not on the surface. But when it’s triggered, the rawness of the pain and the way I crumble, surprises me.

Seeing the way that I am when I’m in pain–and being made aware that I’m not much different from the person causing me pain when I’m hurt–just left me feeling absolutely lost in my own darkness. 

And then someone comes my way today, to remind me of my goodness and help me see the Light, within and without. I feel loved, supported and cared for. And it’s bringing me release. Which got me wondering…

Could this be the reason why we hold on to our hurt?

Is it a cry to be loved?

I believe the answer is, Yes.

This question and answer have, in the past, allowed me to let go of the need for justice or to set things right–at least, not in the heat of the moment. Understanding that both the perpetrator of pain and the one in pain is both crying out for the same thing–to be loved–frees me to open up my hands to receive the Love that I need from God, others and myself, to heal, instead of keeping it clenched in a fist of fury, ready to retaliate.

But this time around, I’m feeling conflicted.

Here I am, talking about love and compassion on The Love Culture, but I wasn’t feeling very loving or compassionate at the moment towards the source of my pain. I felt disgusted instead. And I felt bad for feeling this.

Then a friend comes along and gives me this reassurance:

“Dont ever be afraid to feel “negative” feelings.

They are just signals, not the be-alls and end-alls.

In the great silence of which you understand, there is the unfolding of His greatness and love, which can NEVER be taken away by our feelings.” – TW

I felt grateful for this reminder.

His permission (yes, we don’t need ‘permission’ so to speak, but when we’re stuck and unable to move, it helps to have someone say “IT’S OKAY, GO AHEAD”) to feel without condemnation, allowed me to navigate my way through this, by trying to understand,

“What are my “negative” feelings signalling?”

That I need Healing.

That I need more Love.

Both of which I can choose to receive in prayer, even in this time of pain.

What is your pain telling you? What are your “negative” feelings signalling? May your permission to feel, and your courage to face your darkness, give you the Understanding to Love and Be Loved.

Love,

Mish

****

Michelle Tan is the Founder of The Love Culture ‎~ Inspiring A Loving Way Of Living. https://www.facebook.com/theloveculture

Her mission is to make space for Faith, Hope & LOVE through her writings, clothing line ROX/STA http://www.roxstastudio.com & music.