AK’s “Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart” is on repeat.
I haven’t been listening to it for some time now. But its haunting melody was singing in my head in the first few minutes running up to midnight:
The 1 Year Anniversary To The Death Of “Me”.
Last year this date, at exactly 3am, 3 hours before boarding the flight to Chiang Mai, I found out it’s the end of the road for the both of us (ex-bf & I). It doesn’t matter now, how I found out about it or why it happened. It has served its purpose. And I’ve gained by learning an invaluable lesson.
That time of bitter pain? Turned out to be the sweetest gift.
A gift of Growth, Courage, Wisdom, Healing, Forgiveness, Faith and LOVE.
I didn’t realise this immediately of course. On the first page of my book (this may change), I was free falling to the death of “me” as I knew it…
“The window and the view beyond was my chance to disappear, into clouds and nothingness. Surely anything was better than this crushing weight of despair. My mind is spinning in a hurricane of questions howling for answers, but there was none to be found.
I am strapped in, 15,000 feet up in the air, flying further and further away from life as I knew it, to who knows what?
Everything was a blur now, including that cab ride from the airport to the monastery.
My first time in Chiang Mai, but I was only aware of one thing—a monster of a pain that had me wondering how am I still alive?
When mom announced we’ve arrived—true to my morbid state of mind—I looked up and saw a funeral parlour.”
It was my first time to a Silent Retreat and my first time meeting the Spiritual Directors, Rinda and Simon. After settling in and a brief getting to know you session, Rinda took us through the scriptures, to explore the importance of finding our True Identity and our motives for being there.
During this time, my attention was drifting in and out.
The pain, like a thousand jagged knives, was cutting me up.
So my eyes ran further than the scripture she had pointed out, to John 12: 23-25. Jesus replied, “The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But it if it dies, it produces many seeds.”
My heart, skipped, a beat.
Here I am, totally ready to die and be gone, and He is telling me, it’s the time for God to be glorified and that my moment of crashing and ‘dying’ is necessary for my future growth. I felt like He was talking right to me!
“Death” had to happen. The “old me” wasn’t serving me anymore. It’s time for my first-class UPGRADE. And that involves a lot of GROWING UP and Growing Pains. So the “new me”–which is the real me–can come Alive.
As I marvelled at this insight, Rinda concluded the session with, “Our stories will never be our own stories, it interweaves with others.
Our weakness will be somebody’s strength, our pain someone’s healing. Be reformed inside, then you can transform others!”
I just thought of sharing my heart out with you today, because it’s nice to know you’re never alone–whatever it may be, you are going through.
I shall leave you with 3 Love notes:
Romans 12:12 “Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.”
2 Corinthians 12:9 “My Grace is sufficient for you, for My Power is made Perfect In Weakness.”
And a sweet message from Mom, to me (and now to you): “Let go, sweetheart. For until you do, the good will always be the enemy of the best. Unless you release the ‘good’, the best cannot come.
Let your hands be open towards Him…
…and let Him place His gift into those open hands.”
“Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours.”- Swedish Proverb
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