Part of discovering and embracing the person that you are NOW, means remembering the person that you WERE…
…that is where I’m stuck.
I observe with both horror and amusement, the pounding fear and panic that is growing louder and harder with each successive Likes and comments pouring in on Facebook for the pictures labelled GLAM.
Even as I’m writing this, the likes won’t stop flooding in! On other days, I’ll be loving the likes, but as about now, the likes are driving me nuts!
That photo-shoot was done in 2010. Barely a year ago. And yet, as I look at those pictures, I wonder who’s that girl?
I’m not so sure if I’m willing to wear that gold sequin dress again… I’m not so sure if I like that giant faux diamond ring, still… I’m not so sure if I’m into this whole loud, glam, and shiny look anymore.
I may in the future. Maybe this is just a phase. But I’m not so sure now.
What I AM sure about, is that I’m not liking the unexpected attention.
And I’m wondering why?
I want to tell these people, no, no, no! Don’t like it! Don’t say anything!
With every Like, I feel like a pressurised volcano driven to explosion. And as the lava of tears are flowing, I am wondering what my strong emotions are really saying to me?
…deleting the album won’t solve anything.
As I spent a moment in silence and tears, I realised, what’s really freaking me out at this moment is a whole bunch of things, but mainly, my journeying into the past…
…and having a tonne of people watching me as I do it.
I’ve spent a good whole year running from my past.
All I want, is a clear look at my future but always at the back of my mind, were all my unfinished business.
ROX/STA… and the remaining dresses that have yet to be altered to be photographed to be sold. The website. The halfway written book… always the halfway written book!
It’s so much easier to just say goodbye to it all and start anew.
But I can’t deny there are 441 drafts of my book lying around, each page swimming with words and thoughts and stories just waiting to be shared.
I can’t deny that my heart still skips a beat, when Rae & May inquired on my ROX/STA dresses today…
So where do I go from here?
I don’t know… I’m still lost.
As I sifted through my old files looking for answers, I posted these pictures up, not expecting the kind of reaction it has triggered–in others and especially, in myself.
Each time somebody clicks Like on my old ‘me’ and my mind is yelling “This isn’t me anymore!” I feel like shutting down facebook to hide.
My plans, my priorities, my perspectives have shifted. My whole world’s changed. I have changed–I don’t know what to do with the New-Me yet.
I love her. But I also want the old me, to be loved–by me.
It gets a bit hard when lately, everyone’s been telling me they like me so much more now, that I’m so different now, that I’m better now, more beautiful now, more caring now, more everything now…
On one hand, I am happy. On the other, it’s human to think of the negative and wonder if I wasn’t lovable before?
That frame of mind puts me in a very bad place.
It’s time to switch over to a new perspective: The fact is, I AM better now.
And every person I meet, serves as a mirror, telling me so, though I’m not looking for it.
Instead of my failures, my past can now serve as a reminder of how far I’ve come. And in the midst of all this growing, I’ll always remember what a friend from Portugal once said to me, “Michelle, don’t be perfect.” 🙂
All my life I’ve struggled to be good enough. The break up last year have often left me feeling I’m still not good enough. But these gentle words always comes back to soothe me to a place of peace and calm…
“…don’t be perfect.”
And that, my lovers, is the truth.
No matter what journey you’re on, past, present or future, always remember, we’re human. We make mistakes, but that’s how we learn and grow. Embrace your imperfection. At all times, you are loved, as you are.
“…don’t be perfect.”
“Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours.”- Swedish Proverb
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