I have bloodshot eyes. My face is red. I was bawling my lungs out, after 9 minutes 34 seconds of Les Brown’s “It’s Possible”, 14 minutes 57 seconds of Les Brown’s “F.E.A.R”, 3 minutes 32 seconds of Les Brown’s “The Greatness Within You” and 4 minutes in to Les Brown’s “Step Into Your Greatness.”
I hit pause right in the middle of the 48 minutes 32 seconds vid then BOOMMM!!! A gushing forth like water exploding full force from a dam.
I was sobbing so hard and deep and loud. I had not heard myself cry like this for a very long time. This mighty torrent came out of nowhere and caught me by surprise. I kept wondering what in the world happened.
The last time I heard someone else cry like this, was when a painful awakening was happening. That person realized he can’t go on like this anymore. He doesn’t know how or why or what. All he knows is that Change must happen. In my lifetime, I’ve only heard two men cry like this. It is the cry of the broken, when something NEW is breaking through.
I didn’t know just now, that the same was happening for me. Why am I crying like this? Am I depressed? Without thinking, I heard myself sputtering out the words, “I. want. to. make. my. life. count.”
Maybe you’re just sad? My mind is confused. That reflex answer pushed its way through again, “I. WANT. TO. MAKE. MY. LIFE. COUNT.”
Do you think you’re crying because you’re not feeling well? My mind kept reasoning. But this time my heart was making itself loud and clear, “I WANT TO MAKE MY LIFE COUNT!!!!”
I listened to myself and I was stunned. The intensity. The desperation. The determination. The hunger. The fight. This is what I really, really want.
I am burning up. Burning in. And I can feel the burn consuming me alive.
I am on my knees in my mind. My hands are clasped together, begging. Begging, as tears are dripping down and drenching me like oil poured down my head. I recognised this moment as holy as I heard myself uttering this plea, to myself and to something even greater than myself.
“God! I don’t want to waste a moment more. I wasted X years. No more. I don’t want to sit here and wallow in self-pity. I don’t want to be held back. By fear. By depression. By excuses.
I want to get myself together. This is the year I get myself together.
I want to make my life count. Let it be me. Let it be me.
Use me. Let it be me.”
I’ve been fine-tuning my mindset and realigning my mind the past few weeks. Anthony Robbin’s “Hour of Power” kick-started that shift. I’ve listened to this talk before, but coming back to it felt like the first time.
And this time, something in me snapped into attention. Something woke up. The haziness dispelled, dispersed and disappeared as I got clear on a couple of things I needed to get clear on. My mind shifted into Clarity.
The day after, I came across the better man project’s blog on turning pain into fuel. His caption on Les Brown’s “Dream” speech initiated me to Les Brown. I kept listening to Les’s talk on Dream. It’s just what I needed.
And then, the past few days, I’ve been waking up and falling asleep to Mateusz M’s incredible VISION video. I can feel the change in my breath, the beat of my heart, and the drive in my soul. The rhythm was charging up. The more I listened, the more I burned inside. The more I immersed myself in it, the more I believed in what was possible again.
“…See it before it actually happens… Use your Imagination… See yourself becoming the person you want to be.
And your Imagination have to take you beyond the pain. Your Imagination have to take you beyond the trouble.
Your Imagination have to take you to the next level.
We have to see ourselves there long before it happen.
…Keep seeing… Keep pressing, if you keep pushing, one day, it’s going to be your day.
I need you to say it with me, one day it’s going to be your day.“
The mind, if left to its own devises, tends to get lazy and focus only on the negative and what’s wrong and what failed. But the mind, if exercised and directed, can remember the positive, what’s right and what is a success.
Left on autopilot, my mind latches on to how I’ve been failing. I failed in my first business attempt, failed to finish my book, failed to finish my music project, failed in a couple of relationships. Failed, failed, failed.
But taking charge of my mind, I began to force myself to see again, how great I did in the past, and how great I still can be. I had spent a long time, far too long, acknowledging my defeats, my mistakes, my wrongs and my failures. Those negatives were part of the picture, but it’s not the whole picture. They are there for a reason to push me forward, to learn from. What am I learning? What am I not seeing? What can I choose to see?
I think about the time when I was 10 or 11. I had wanted so much to learn ballet. My mom didn’t have the money. But I had an idea. Teacher Katy, who owned a ballet studio, was going to see my mother on this particular day. I had this idea that if she could only see me dance, she would make me her student. And so on that day, while the adults were talking, I began twirling and twirling, kicking my legs high into the air, breaking into a jump, arms held high then spread out like a bird on flight. I was flying into my dream of become a dancer and kept dancing and dancing. There was only one thing on my mind, and that is to make her look at me and see how much I loved dancing and wanted to learn!
Teacher Katy stopped talking and began looking at me. “Your daughter! Is she taking dance lessons?” My mom said no, that it was what I had wanted, but she didn’t have the money for it. “Bring her to my studio. She can learn for free.” And so my dream came true. Just like that!
I was just a kid. An idea came into my mind, an idea to achieve my dream and I acted on it! I got that idea from a bookmark I saw in a drawer at home. From what I can remember, the bookmark said, “If you can dream it, you can believe it. If you can believe it, you can achieve it.” And that bookmark had a picture of a ballerina! I held on to that bookmark and fell asleep, thinking that if I dreamt it while I slept, then it would come true.
Of course, it doesn’t work like this. But I allowed my Imagination to take me to the next level. I saw the message in the bookmark in a whole new light. I could achieve my dreams of learning ballet, if I believed in my dream. And so I did. And it came true! Going back to this story in my life, it reminds me how powerful our mind is. Not even the lack of resources can hold us back if we set our mind to believe dreams can be achieved.
Then I forced my mind to remember my Grade 4 piano examination and how I came out with my first distinction. Everyday and every time that I practised, I held a picture in my mind. I imagined I was a concert pianist.
Every time I entered the piano room, I imagined a standing ovation. I would take a bow, get seated, lift my hands high, see in my minds eye a breath-taking performance, and go play it. Every mistake I made, any wrong note played, I stopped. And began again. I went out of the room, heard the ovation, went into the room, took a bow, see myself giving an incredible performance, and went for it. Any time I stumbled on the keys, I went out of the room again, always entering with the mindset that I am an amazing performer, and what I am about to play will be awesome.
I even imagined, that at the end of my “performance”, people were running up to me, congratulating me and asking for my autograph.
I didn’t know what drove me at that time to do what I did, or to imagine myself this way, but it was just a game I played with myself. So what happened on the day of the examination, was even more incredible. Right at the end of it, my examiner got up, and he must’ve said a few words which I don’t remember now, but he actually left the room in a rush after that. I found out later that he was running around trying to find my teacher, to congratulate her on a job well done. I scored my first distinction for that exam, and the feeling was beyond satisfying.
But then I got it in my mind, that I have a habit of going Up then Down. In my mind, if I had distinction this time, then my next exam, I will get the opposite. Guess what? What your mind believes, you become. I barely passed in my Grade 5 exam. The same happened for Grade 6. But then I told my mind, if I went Up, then Down, I can go back Up again. And so I did, scoring another Distinction for my Grade 7. And then I told my mind, based on my patterns,”Now you will go down again.” And I did, failing my Grade 8. But then I sat for the exam again, and went Up, scoring Merit.
From this pattern, I can see that what I feed my mind, has the tendency to be a self-fulling prophecy. Am I going to focus on my defeats and failures? Or am I going to focus on what I was capable of doing, and still can?
My major goal this year is to finish writing my book. I began writing in 2008. So much had happened since then. So many set-backs, defeats, detours and delays. It was a humbling time of awakening to my darkness, my weaknesses and my mistakes. It was a time of humility and major soul-cleansing. It was a time of healing from addictions and learning immense self-love. The whole time, I kept working on my book, kept talking about it and along the way, people who’ve heard it for years must’ve have stopped believing I’d do it–’cos I stopped believing too.
“Who’s going to read it anyway? It doesn’t matter!” I’ve often thought.
But then today, I see how my story have been gaining in maturity and insight and depth in these 5 years. It’s been marinating and soaking up the good stuff. Now the meat is ready. It’s time to fire up the BBQ grill and make it count! During this time, I’ve been meeting people who’s come into my life for a reason. They–and not the ones who have known me all these years–are seeing me with fresh eyes, and encouraging me in my writing.
“Your writings are beautiful. You should really do something about it… all you need is an idea to tie it all together,” – S
“I really love how you use words, I always feel with you when I read your lines.” – J
“I read through some of the stuff you’ve posted over the years and I must say: I really like your style. I particulatly enjoyed the piece on Crash the monkey… not only did I find it very well written but you also managed to succinctly describe certain feelings which, up until recently, I harbored for a very long time. In any case, just keep on doing what you’re doing and I’m sure that novel will write itself sooner rather than later.” – C
Today, I know that I want to finish what I’ve started. I will work my ass off to make it happen, so my other dreams can follow through. I want to be able to talk about my biggest struggle of all, which is myself, and be able to motivate others to push through and realize their dream. I want to get out of my own way. I want to dream big again. This is the year I’m getting myself together and work hard to do what it takes to push out my book.
Firstly, because it matters to me that I do so. When it matters to me, it will matter to others. But first, it must matter to me. I want to make it count.
I actually woke up this morning from a nightmare. It was so bizarre and so frightening. But I recognise the emotion my dream was trying to convey: FEAR. I also woke up with a stuffy nose, a bad cough and watery eyes. I made my body sick by choice, through the things I’ve been doing to numb my pain and fears. I woke up feeling like I’ve had ENOUGH.
I want better.
So I started jogging my mind down Les Brown’s “It’s Possible”. I took charge of my fear and gained a renewed perspective as he coached me through “F.E.A.R”. My mind started breaking into a run with “The Greatness Within You” and by the time I hit “Step Into Your Greatness” I was ready. With tears streaming in a continuous flow, I declared, “I am grateful. I am thankful. I am grateful for EVERYTHING. I am thankful for EVERYTHING. All of my past, all the people that were part of it, all the pain, and all that I’ve learned. I am GRATEFUL. And now I am ready to be Great. I am ready to step into my greatness. I am ready!
I want to make my life count.
What does making our life count means? I love this answer the most:
“If you tell people to “make it count”, you are telling them to make what they are doing as useful and as positive as possible. They should not be half-hearted but give the task their whole attention and enthusiasm.
In the sentence “Live life to the full and make every day count”, this means “Don’t waste a single day by being lazy or useless–do something positive everyday.” - answers.yahoo.com
That answer is so in line with my vision this year, “Wholehearted 2014″. It is in line with my newly adopted mission, “This is the year I get myself together.” It’s time to step into my Greatness and make my life count.
What is your vision for your life? IMAGINE. Dream Big. See it before it actually happens. Use your Imagination. Start doing. Keep pushing. Let’s Step Into Our Greatness…
“Fear less, hope more; Eat less, chew more; Whine less, breathe more; Talk less, say more; Love more, and all good things will be yours.”- Swedish Proverb
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